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WENDY's STORY

I was born March 27, 1960. My earliest memory was at 2 (more than 2 less than 2 1/2), I fell down the stairs, wacked my head (which I don't remember), and remember being on a hospital table with a very big, bright light above me. I don't remember it as tramatic, it's just my oldest memory of me. I am the oldest of 4 children and remember my childhood as being filled with a sense of lonliness and abandonment. This may come partially from the fact that my Mom had 3 kids in less than 3 years, the forth one coming when I was almost 8. Nevertheless, at some point I was convinced that I was adopted, and reluctantly sucumbed to the logic presented in photos and home movies of my Mom pregnant with me. My Mother says that I was "a little old lady" at 2 years old, bossing everyone around. I was a hard kid to live with, being described as "high strung" (isn't that something they refer to horses?) Well I guess I was a bit of a wild horse. I challenged everything and everybody, and most especially my father (no one else dared), and never entirely fit in anywhere.

We moved alot, which wasn't an issue until I became school age, then it was hard being the new kid so often. Although we moved around I got my sense of community through my summers at "the lake". Even when we moved to Ontario for 1 1/2 years, we return to Manitoba in the summer for a few weeks at "the lake". My childhood-adolescense was mostly defined by my physical self. I remember being six years old and seeing a water skier, and asking my Dad if I could do that. I was told I had to wait until I was 8. So at 8 that was it for me, and I was flying over the water all summer long until I was 17. Summers were great, I could shed my school experience and immerse myself in suntanning, water skiing, tennis, tree climbing, evenings around a camp fire, hiking and exploring for 2 months. Sometimes we got to skip church in the summer (catholic - I hated it)

Winters involved ski dooing, hockey, tabogonning, and school. I hated school right from kindergarten, and remember being "sent to the corner" in grade one, for starting to color my lamb yellow, before we were given the instuctions. It was during the winters that I learned to play instruments - piano, violin, french horn, alto clarinet, guitar. I never learned if I was brillant at any of them, because as soon as I felt competant, I would move on to another one. This business of becoming competant and moving on to something new absolutely defines me. In grade 10 I discovered that I was really good at math and science, and I could write really well (in spite of marginal marks all through my earlier years). This was quite an awakening and very empowering, but I still hated school. We moved to the west coast of Canada the summer before grade 11 ......... I was furious, but I learned to snow ski, and flying down a mountain was almost as fun as flying on the water. Dropped the music (the band at the new school sucked) and I focused on art for the last 2 years of school, I loved it and discovered I was really good at it. My parents were doing everything the could to convince me to not drop out, and I didn't. I graduated high school in 1979, and did the most outrageous "Wendy thing" I got married 3 days before I turned 19.

All I had ever wanted was to not be a kid, but to become an adult so that I would be "in control", (I had spent my entire childhood wishing it away) and I saw being married as an adult thing. Well I didn't feel older or more adultish after becoming married, so the next obvious step in that persuit: become a parent! So I was 21 and a half when my oldest daughter was born. Well that definately did it - I felt all grown up, and was, with all the responsibities that go with it (mortgage, bills, kid etc.). It makes me laugh now to observe the patterns in my life that confused me to death then, but are so very obvious to me now. So guess what happens then. Well I had discovered that I was very smart and decided that I should be doing something brillant like become a doctor, so off I went in persuit of higher learning and switch my rather artsy focus to math, chemistry, biology, physics. It was so much fun learning about that stuff, I created my own chemistry lab exam, because the one presented by the prof was way more complicated than it had to be, I rewrote a physic formula for the same reason, and received the highest mark ever given in 5 years on a biology exam - I was pumped, and I was arrogant and recalcitrant. But once again, after doing a couple of research semesters I decided this stuff wasn't for me, I became bored when it lost it's newness, and left University without completing my degree (1986), and ditched the whole medicine idea. Oh yeah, I didn't like the being married thing anymore, and had left with my daughter before she turned two. In 1986 I became involved in my second major relationship (the father of my 2nd, third, and fourth kids), which started to stink almost from the beginning, but it took me almost 10 years to fully extract myself from, and in the end taught me tons about myself.

My mid twenties were punctuated with a desire to learn about the metaphysical, and I read tons about it. Decided I was drowning in the theoretical, and dropped the pursuit. My late twenties to early thirties were punctuated by making babies (it pushed me out of my head and into my life) and it was during this time that the theoretical metaphysical stuff started knocking on my door in a big way. What had been sporatic events in the past that I noticed and dismissed, became undeniable experiences. Although mostly I forget them now, the first biggy was when I became pregnant with what wouldn't become my second child. I remeber explaining to someone that the pregnancy was different then my first one. When I was pregnant with my daughter I felt her presence right from the beginning (and infact it took a couple of pregnancy tests over a couple of months to confirm her presense), this second pregnancy I explained, was different in that whatever soul had entered me was less present and wandered in and out. As it turned out I had a miscarraige a couple of weeks later - and also thought at the time that 3 aries living under the same roof, was probobly too many. Shortly after came son #1 then son #2. I was getting bored again, and had come to enjoy learning about natural/herbal/non-traditional healing, so enrolled in a clinical herbal therapy program. Just has the program got going I became pregnant for my youngest child, and was given the perfect excuse to drop out, but I was sick and tired of always starting never finishing so I stuck with it and graduated. My life had become insane, I became single again, was in school, then done and self employed with four kids.

With the chaos came many humbling experiences, and I learned to not take myself so seriously, I learned to pick my battles carefully, I learned how to advocate, and I learned to accept myself (the good, the bad and the ugly), and I literally kicked myself out of what can be termed as "terminal uniqueness", realizing that we're all here for our own personal purposes, and mine wasn't any better or worse than everyone elses. I also came to realize that I had allowed my last relationship to almost bankrupt me, spritually, emotionally, and financially. It became clear that the only way to truly recover was to move. In 2000, it took less that 3 months to sell my house, packed up my kids, dog, gerbil and bird, got rid of tons of stuff (I've never been much of a stuff person) said the tearful goodbye to family and friends (including leaving my recently turned adult, oldest daughter behind), and moved 400 miles away after buying a little house on the top of a mountain. I decided to leave the realm of self employment and get what I call "a real job", with a real paycheque. Well it's not exactly a real job, but it works for now.

I had lost the need to "fit in", and finally the desire to "fit in" followed. In order to achieve a balanced equation I know that in order to "fit in" I have to give up something, and that something would end up being that I would have to "think like them", and that's never ever going to happen.

Today, life is relatively peaceful and simple. I do my very best to avoid conflict in my life, but understand there will be times when I am driven to challenge an antiquated protocol, and this is where picking my battles carefully comes in. I hold myself close to myself because I understand how I can effect others. When I was younger this amused me, now I understand the need to respect energetic boundaries. I continue to actively rid myself of unnecessary "stuff". I know the last 5 years have been about getting ready for something, and that something feels very close.

Originally I wrote this around mid february 2005. This is an addendum added March 6, 2005.

After spending a bit of time researching Indigo/Crystal I've noticed, if not a common thread, a very frequent remark: This is the first and often the last incarnate of many Indigo/Crystals. For me this is not true, I know that I've been here many, many, many times; and will continue to be here. I sense this because everything I have learned has come easily and is familar, and what I know and haven't learned I just know. Everyone I meet is familar, I have always been comfortable in my skin, and I've never been afraid of my environment. Although I have understood from my beginning that finite dimensional space and linear time is an illusion, I function very well, if not always exactly in; around these perameters.

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